Biblical Counseling - Marriage & Family Counseling - Part I - Premarital...
Vern Peterman · Aug 17, 2008
Biblical Counseling, No. 20
Holly Hills Bible Church
https://www.hollyhillsbiblechurch.org/teaching/messages/410261629548149

Transcribed from the recording by SermonAudio, so expect the occasional misheard word.

We're starting a series on marriage and family counseling that's going to go on for some weeks. A few reasons why I think it's valuable, even if you're not in the situation while you're married, that you're married. One is certainly simply an understanding of those around you who are married. having biblical insight rather than just some sort of an intuitive or experiential understanding.

So that's one. It's also possible for some that that status could change. And then additionally, one of the passages that's a key one and we'll be at least referencing it this morning is Ephesians 5, 21 through 33. And what's interesting about that passage is about half the passage, though people look at it as this is a marriage passage, about half of it just talks about the relationship between Christ and the church. And that fits every single believer, doesn't it? So there are multiple reasons and that's really just kind of the short list. why there is still a value, even if a person is single. Now, let's take a look at it. This is an intro, and the idea is premarital counseling is the focus here this morning. And we'll want to talk kind of several different angles about premarital counseling.

The first thing we have here on the title there is heavenly revelation, earthly expression, and eternal realities. So those three. The one thing that's abundantly clear is the Lord has deliberately revealed Himself to us. How has the Lord deliberately revealed Himself to us? Through His Word. It's very specific.

A lot of times things taught in the Word will be taught repeatedly. How many times does it say in the New Testament, for example, that you are in Christ? It doesn't just say it once. It keeps saying it. And it even restated, in the beloved, in him, in whom. It goes on and on.

So God's Word. What are some other ways God has revealed himself? Through Christ. Christ and God's Word are called special revelation. That is, it's a revelation that is specific. It's a revelation that's extensive. It isn't a matter of, well, I guess I know something, but I'm not quite sure what. But there's actually a great deal of clarity and specificity. Okay. What else? What other ways has God revealed Himself? Okay, well, and marriage is actually a means of revealing things. That's true. Okay. Others? Through the creation. Yeah.

We have, through the creation, the heavens declare what? The glory of God, right? And God's glory is the radiant essence of all of who He is. So there's a revelation in nature. What we want to take a look at here, God has deliberately revealed things regarding marriage, not just for present benefit, but for eternal benefit. Eternal benefit. Marriage starts when in the Bible? Genesis. Chapter 2. And it continues on until where? Revelation. The last chapter. Spirit and the bride say come. So it's a theme from beginning to end. And sown and salted all the way through as well.

The principles that God has revealed in His Word tell us exactly what God has in mind. And this is an amazing thing. You would think that people, especially believers, would want to know, what does God have in mind? But it's amazing the absence of mind of people regarding what does God say. We have a list of bullets here.

What God's Word tells us about marriage is revealed because God And this is not an exhaustive list. God loves us, has something specific in mind, has an earthly but spiritual purpose for marriage, has a church-specific model in mind. In other words, this information that Christ and the church is the model for marriage, does it talk about that in Genesis? No, it doesn't even know about the church, right? It doesn't talk about that. You go into any of the Old Testament books, Not there. It begins to be revealed in the New Testament. It actually begins with hints in the Gospels towards the end. Alright.

Has marriage qualified blessings in mind for us in the church? Why do we say marriage qualified blessings? Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ Then it says, He chose us in Him to be holy and blameless. It's the same set of words, holy and blameless, used in the Ephesians 5 passage. We were chosen by the Father as the bride.

Isn't that something? When? Before the foundation? Wow! That's phenomenal. You got picked. This is great stuff. God has a church-specific expression of marital love in mind. That is, the expression of love is particular to the church. Not just the church model, but the expression of love has that church model understanding and the expression within the church that fits how we were chosen. So this is amazing stuff. Has an eternal reality underlying marriage and earth time. Eternal realities.

When is the church the bride of Christ? After the rapture or now? Right now, actually, the status is we're betrothed. We're betrothed, which is, Scripture takes that more seriously, and it was in the culture of the time, more seriously. The actual marriage will be when we're out of here.

And then the next one, has in mind that believers walk by faith. And this is one thing that's frequently lost. A lot of Christians, and we'll be addressing this shortly, a lot of Christians get into, you know, making vows like it's a bunch of promises and law and they use the word covenant related to it and that sort of thing. And, you know, I don't want to sit there and just put thumbs down on things, but the reality is it is revealed truth that we walk by faith. It's revealed truth that we walk by faith.

And so a wedding is a mutual expression of a willingness to walk by faith. That's what it amounts to. What holds us together is the Lord and His doing. Anyway, we'll talk about that a little more in a minute here. This list above is probably not exhaustive. But these are the things that God's Word tells us about marriage because of.

Now, marriage is not merely a social institution, which a lot of people think that's just what it is and have little respect for it. A cultural form or a legal construct. Ever hear, oh, it's just a piece of paper? Not even sort of. The piece of paper is the least of it. Marriage God created from the very beginning when there was no pieces of paper to deal with it. God revealed it. It is exactly what God always had, now has, and forever will have in mind. Isn't that interesting?

From the very beginning, even Christ said, from the beginning He made them male and female that there be marriage, and it has a purpose that goes on into eternity. So it is, while human marriage has an earthly time frame, God's purpose and intent for it is eternal. Okay, from Ephesians 5, 21-33, we know that God intends that Christian marriage be the living, earthly expression of the eternal romance of Christ and His Bride, the Church. Understood in that way, marriage is not defined by nor limited to anything that is just social, cultural, and legal, though there will be superficial similarities to those earthly forms.

Each minute that the Lord gives a believing couple is another minute of opportunity to express in time the eternal romance of Christ and His Bride, the Church. Isn't that an amazing concept? We get this minute and then the next to express the eternal romance of Christ in the church. So that's what's going on between believers who are married. It's that expression of the eternal romance of Christ in the church. Not only is earthly marriage of two believers that kind of phenomenal, spectacular, and spiritually deep opportunity, but there's a reality behind it that lasts forever and ever and ever. The eternal romance of Christ and His bride, the Church, is untainted and untaintable.

Hey, let's think about this. He chose us in Him as His bride. When did we say? before the foundations, alright, and we said the marriage of Christ and the bride will take place after the rapture. The choosing and the marriage are all untouchable. Untainted. Isn't that something? Chosen and married. The whole thing, as God set it up, is outside of this tainted earth. That's wild. That's just amazing. That's the example we've got. This is cool stuff. This is amazing stuff. Okay. And that's why we come here to Ephesians 1, 3 through 4. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before him in love.

Ephesians 5.27 and Colossians 1.22 have these words holy and blameless paired up again. We're going to say more about those as we continue to study. Let's look at the next page, which is numbered as page 59 on your handout there, unless something's gone terribly wrong. We have a title on the top there.

What is a walk by faith and what is not? 2 Corinthians 5, 7, for we walk by faith, not by sight. What does it mean to walk by faith, not by sight? Does that mean when we walk around as Christians, we always close our eyes? Even when we're driving? What does it mean to walk by faith and not by sight? Uh-oh. Huh? Trust. Okay. All right. And what do you trust? Who do you trust? You trust the Lord. And how do we trust the Lord? Through the Word.

We have it laid out before us and we trust what is deliberately revealed. And we can do that regarding marriage too. Because He's revealed a lot. After all, we said 2nd chapter of Genesis, it starts, goes to the very last chapter of Revelation, all sorts of revelation in between. There is a great deal revealed. Sometimes even when people don't know it.

We had a handout that we made available some time ago, and I think we even had it in here as an appendix item. If we didn't, we should have. And it's a handout identifying the places that connect up the Jewish marriage practices with things that are said in the New Testament.

Example, Jesus says, I go to prepare a place for you. This is what the bridegroom would say to his bride-to-be in preparing a place for her. Or even, here's Jesus at the Last Supper. What does He say? This is the New Covenant. This is what the bridegroom would say to the bride-to-be when they had made the agreement and the arrangement, and he'd say that to the bride in front of the bride's father. This is the New Covenant. As you go through and step through these things, why is it that the father is the one who calls the shots as to when Christ comes for us? It's because in the Jewish wedding practice, The father was the one who would tell the son, go get your bride.

And he would call the time. So all these things, you can imagine, here's the disciples, they're hearing this stuff, they must have been mind-blown. What's he doing using all this wedding terminology, you know? That must have just blown their circuits. So there's a lot more in the Bible than people typically look at and see. Most people, they read that, they don't see what's going on. The disciples, they understood it well. Because this was what was always said in the wedding ceremonies, engagement, all that.

We, of course, that are having children, have not gone through what those of you that have had children that are grown and married. What is it like to be a parent and to live by these things where you don't interfere anymore in your child's life. You've interfered with them for 20 some odd years, and now life has changed, like yesterday.

And a man shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife. All these things are spelled out in God's Word. Matter of fact, we're going to be getting into that very topic later on. into that must leave a hollow spot even in a Christian family. It can and we'll be touching on that because that's a very important point that you bring up.

But in and handing off a child. I mean, I remember sitting Randy down, you know, when he was about 13 and saying, hey, this is where we're aiming. This is where we're headed. And, you know, as we're bringing you up, you know, we're not just, you know, being mean and being arbitrary. That's where we're going. That's where we're headed. And so part of it's also, it's our own realization that we're raising him to hand him off to his own headship of a home. So that's a part of the perspective. And so, yeah, there is a change. There's no question about it. But it's also one that Scripture should have parents anticipating. And it's constructive that the kids know that that's coming up too.

Let's take a look here. What we've got is a key point that Marriage and everything about it is revealed in God's Word. All the fundamentals we need to know. It's God's basic marriage manual. It's laid out in God's Word. We walk it not by tying the knot really good. We have this expression, tie the knot. or not by making them promise a whole lot or all the other little constructs. It is instead a mutual expression of a willingness to walk by faith. It's a walk by faith that the people are stepping into when they get married.

One of the reasons I bring that up is because there are various things taught or not taught throughout various churches and Christendom. Sometimes it's in churches, sometimes it's para-church organizations. And it's important for us to make a distinction here between the various things that are taught and the walk by faith. Because, I mean, could it possibly be? I mean, it's unimaginable. The Lord would say, you know, you need to walk by faith except for marriage. What? Okay, no. So what we have here is the rest of the page with some bolding is kind of the other things that are done in various churches. And let's step our way through them.

The first one that we have there is no counseling, no teaching, no preparation, no help after the wedding. We just do weddings and smile and, you know, having a church building and you're done. Nancy and I lived in Carson City for 15 years. And when we first went there, they had the Carson City Courthouse.

And right across the street, where it was sort of a T-intersection, at each of the corners was a wedding chapel. And you could go to the wedding chapel. You could just walk right in. They've got rings right there you can buy, you can buy bags of rice, the whole thing. And they got different places you can, you know, pose and get your picture taken. They'd call in photographers, they'd have them there just in minutes. And they got these ministers in town, you know, standing by to take your picture. And boy, they just had you, bang, you're married. Woo! Okay? They could get her done quick. Okay? Everything was pretty instant.

Well, it turns out that those, as businesses have kind of nosedived. I understand it's rumor. I hate to go to the place, but I understand Las Vegas still has a drive-up wedding arrangement, where you open up the window and they throw the rice in. I don't think they vacuum it out, but anyway. It is also, even though we can laugh at those things, it is also done in some churches where they just plain have nothing. They don't offer anything.

Think about this. Ephesians 4 talks about equipping. Do we equip for all kinds of things but not marriage? Well, let's even add to that. Do we equip for all kinds of things but not singleness? Oh, that's a gift of the Lord, but we never talk about it. No. In fact, what we should do is teach it because that's equipping. Right? That's equipping. And it's a part of growing in the grace and knowledge of Lord Jesus Christ. So we teach about it. Unfortunately, this top one here, we don't help with anything. You're on your own. Who does that leave the teaching up to when the church just says nothing? Offers nothing?

You got it. You got it. And what does the world tell you about marriage? Pardon? It ain't necessary. And that's one reason why over half the couples now are living together first before getting married, if they get married. Uh-huh. Yeah. I've seen some of those swinging doors. Yeah, in other words, if you look at it, If the church does not equip the world will, and watch out, because it's a mess. Serious, it's a mess. Think of some of the prime time TV shows that are out there. Some of the popular, you know, CSI or something like that. How many good marriages do you see on those shows? Flat zip, right?

If they have one, they show it breaking up and all sorts of infidelity and squabbling and all kinds of tension. The world has got a lesson, a message. There's all sort of casual sex and no consequences ever portrayed unless it happens to work really well with the plot.

Next one, secular and or spiritual compatibility and personality tests. Like I mentioned previously, Brian and Julia said that the church that they got married at, they got basically kind of a secular personality compatibility test and they got the results back and they said, you're good to go, see you at the wedding.

How is that equipping? Basically, what is it? It's the top one. It's the top one is all it is because it doesn't equip anything. And, you know, I think I mentioned previously when Jeremy was teaching, I would not doubt that if Nancy and I had a compatibility test that we would not be compatible according to the test.

I'm serious. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and, you know, it is really just quite astounding for churches to just plain leave it blank. And the problem is that the world is teaching about marriage and romance and relationships very well from its own standpoint. It does a good job. Magazine covers, TV shows, movies. It's left and right. It's astounding. The world sends this message well. Scripture does not teach compatibility as an issue. flat out. God's Word does not teach compatibility as an issue. Doesn't. This is not there. Yes?

In fact, at the time the Bible was written, most of it, maybe all of it, was it true that arranged marriages in that culture were Throughout the time the Bible was written, all the way going back to the time of Abraham, all the way into New Testament times, the arranged marriage was the typical thing for a first marriage. Occasionally for a second, but for a first marriage it was arranged, so of course that's what you're going to do. So the Lord said that people can be happy even if they marry some person that their dad chose and they never wanted. Yes, however, I will add this, that it was typical for parents not, generally, I'm generalizing, typical for parents not to force a marriage that the couple, one or the other, didn't want.

So I add that little caveat. But still, nonetheless, and their criteria was not compatibility, it was other things. Compatibility is just simply not taught in Scripture. Period. It just is not. Next one, secular counseling even with a Christian or biblical label. Christian counseling, biblical counseling, those kind of phrases are used for things that are really just sort of secular counseling with all, I'll say it somewhat facetiously, with Christian pixie dust over the top. Because they'll have basically secular counseling and just drop in a few verses here and there and call it good. This is not what God intends. This is not equipping. Secular counselors simply don't have the biblical insights. First Corinthians, chapter 2. The natural man just doesn't have a clue about the spiritual character of marriage. Not a clue. Guaranteed. And yet that's what, there's a local Christian college and a local Christian seminary, that's exactly what you're going to get. Yes, Jeremy. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, you get his point there.

Sometimes even a secular counselor will have something that ends up being biblical, kind of by accident, not by biblical intent. So where there is something that actually works, is true, is valid, has some substance to it, it ends up, it's a biblical principle anyway, even though they didn't know it and didn't teach it as such. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, you hear that? Blind squirrel will find an acorn once in a while.

The next one. Counseling for which somebody charges, Christian or not. Why would I cause that to be a problem? What's the problem with that? Yeah, that's it. That's the bottom line is it's grace. If you've got a counselor of any sort, I don't care what calls himself Christian or not, if you've got an invoice, if you've got, you know, here's the pay at the door or, you know, either in or out, that's a problem. I talked to one couple, they went to a Christian counselor and they said a significant portion of each appointment was talking about how you're going to pay your bill. And this is just profoundly wrong. Not only are you spending time on something that shouldn't be chipping into what the Lord has in mind to teach, but it's not grace.

It's not grace. Now, here's another one. There's only one right man and one right woman combination in marriage. What's the problem with that one? That's the big thing. You're not walking by faith. Yeah, that's a part of it. Because that's really where scripture lays it. Here are the biblical principles about marriage. Are you going to walk in them by faith?

Or are you going to be looking for something else? That's one one. What's another problem with the right man, right woman, wrong man, wrong woman? No, I don't know. Yeah? It's not in God's Word. Yeah, it's not in God's Word. Well, yeah, and that's the thing. That's an excellent point because as you look at, alright, if I have a problem in the marriage, instead of saying, what does God's Word say?

And what does a walk by faith look like as we walk together with the Lord? Instead of trying to resolve things that way, the mindset, oh, I might have the wrong one. And then what's the next question? Should I get a... Yeah, yeah, we're not talking about should I get a lollipop, okay? Should I get a divorce? Basically what it does is if something goes wrong, instead of looking for the answers, you're looking for the exit. Instead of looking for the answers, you're looking for the exit.

Huge, huge problem. And yet this teaching has been widespread. I have personally had people come up to me and start asking about this right man, wrong man, whatever, numerous times. And I say, don't even go there. Scripture doesn't. God's Word does not go there. Because as Mike pointed out, walk by faith. That's what it's about. Now let's ask this question.

What is the right man? The right man is the believer walking by faith. That's the right man. And the same thing for the right woman. The right woman is the believing woman walking by faith. That's what's right. Last one here. Covenant marriage. Covenant marriage was brought up by a European unbeliever. And then believers have taken that thing over. It came up around World War II era. And since then, it's been taken over substantially by believers.

What do I mean by covenant marriage? Covenant marriage is a different legal construct than just a marriage license, where you get married and if you want to get a divorce, you get another piece of paper and fee to pay, right? Covenant marriage is where you have, instead of marriage license arrangement, you have this contract, essentially, that says before you get married certain things happen, and before you can get a divorce you put all sorts of obstacles in the way.

Okay? And so it's not a standard marriage and divorce. It's essentially a marriage contract that has requirements up front before you get married. And the exit door is covered up by all sorts of, you know, things you've got to do first before you can go there. Okay? What's wrong with that?

Yeah, it's saying, I know the answer or law, right? That's it. Yay, law. Now we've got it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, the problem is we've got to come up with better promises. That's the deal, see? And more laws. So that's really what it amounts to is a much more complex law. It turns out three states, and I think I list them here, Arkansas, Louisiana, and Arizona have actually passed covenant marriage legislation that puts a particular construct. But guess what?

In the legislation, because you're talking about a secular state, is there anything about the Bible? No. It's not there. It's not a walk by faith. It's a walk by law. And all it does is make the law more complicated. One of the things that I've heard is when the marriage comes apart, because it's more difficult and they really have nothing solid there, then what it tends to do is people just live around it. You know, they constructively just, okay, I'm going to just go off and live with somebody else or just basically walk around it so that the law doesn't do it. So one other problem with the law. One is probably not right. Okay. There's a problem with the law. Who gets the focus when you're under law? Who gets all the attention when you're under law? Self. Self gets the attention.

So that way you get the covenant marriage. Boy, let's really look hard at self. Why is that a problem? Here in Ephesians 5, where does Paul say to look to? Look to Christ. So where's your focus is a big issue here. Where's your focus? Where are the answers? Is it in looking more to myself? Is it in looking more to what I can do or I have to do or can't do? No. It's in looking to Christ. It's in walking by faith. It makes Christian marriage everything else that the Christian life is to be, rather than something apart. That's what God intends.

Now, why would I go over these things that are, these are the wrong things? Is Vern just being really awfully negative? Or why do we go over these? Yeah, there are things that are out there we need to be able to discern truth from error. And the reality is that what does it take to please Him? Faith, right? Faith is what pleases Him. So why would we come up with anything else? Why would we come up with anything else? It's a walk by faith. It's that simple.

All right, let's take a look at the next page, which should be page 60. We're talking about premarital counseling and the idea is that we're wanting to get, you know, something in front of the couple before they step into the marriage so that they start off on the right footing. This is the reason for the J.C. Penney building here. Years and years ago in Ukiah, California, where you see this J.C. Penney building was like the place across the street. It was an orchard. And so here, like an orchard, they have tree roots, right? What happens to tree roots when you cut the tree off? They die. And what happens then to the tree roots when they die over time? They rot away, yes. So as they cut the trees off, then you have all these roots sitting there and quite a few roots.

They also had lots of wormholes. This soil was wormholes deep, roots deep. Well, as the contractor was told, you put the footings down here and you have the walls on top of the footings, but guess what's underneath those footings? A lot of rotting tree roots and wormholes, which are all going to collapse. The contractor was told, dig that all out and recompact with all the roots taken out. But he didn't read that part. So he put in the footings like you see. And then somebody after they put in the footings and the walls said, did you? And he goes, no. So guess what? My company comes in, so I'm the designated guy.

Put these footings underneath there and put them all the way down underneath the existing footings and walls. Underneath them all the way down to solid soil. So now you've got quite a project and it was. Then they had to go in after the walls and the footings were in place with a bunch of earth moving equipment and tear out all the old soil.

Anyway, it was really something. You've got this completed J.C. Penney building with walls and everything in there. All these earth movers in there pulling stuff out and recompacting. You know those backup noises inside the walls. Just beep, beep, beep. Anyway, it's crazy. So this thing gets really complex now that you're trying to build something underneath a place that's already built. So that's what they had to do.

What we're trying to reinforce here is that it's a whole lot better and easier to start with something solid than to come in after the fact. And that's the reason for this premarital counseling. What we want is, on the basis of the spiritual realities that God has revealed in Scripture, we want to have revealed truths, spiritual facts, laid out in front of the couple. We want then faith in the facts, that's the walk by faith, everything about the facts of the marriage revealed by God, based on the spiritual realities, a solid foundation.

Then, faith in the facts, romantic love is built on that, and not the love hormone that lasts for about 12-18 months. And I'm not kidding. There is a hormone that couples will get when they first fall in love. It lasts about 12 to 18 months. Many couples will just look for that, or that's how it'll get started, and after that they're just sort of coasting. But what this looks at is romantic love has a solid foundation that starts with eternal truth. Huge difference. Huge difference.

Nancy and I have done marriage counseling together for almost 20 years now. And as we've done that, it's interesting. We have done both premarital counseling, you know, a number of times, and marriage counseling. And we love both of those. One's a whole lot easier than the other. Especially after a couple has been married for some number of decades.

But this is the key. That's how things are intended to be built if we look at God's Word. We have there some bullets here on page 60. Introduction going over several different passages there. Passages and then topics that have passages behind them. And then finally, the rehearsal and the wedding. It's interesting, as Hal and I compared notes about what we would go over and what he had been going over, it was about the same. It was real interesting. you know, what I'd been doing, what he'd been doing. It was a very similar number of meetings and everything else. So that was fascinating.

We have roughly 10 sessions in a typical time before the wedding. Sometimes people want more sessions on one topic or they want to include topics that aren't on the list. Okay? And so we'll end up doing those. We have had as many as 20 sessions before the wedding. And so, for example, finances ended up being about 10 sessions with one couple.

We've had other couples where certain things were involved that were sort of a little more complicated than usual. So we'd include topics or passages that weren't in here. And so this is sort of a minimum, I think, is about the way to say it. And looking out for, okay, what are some other things that might need to be covered? Let's take, for instance, here's a gal that she's been married. Her husband died after they had kids. She gets remarried. All right, then you'll have a husband come along and maybe he doesn't have any kids. Some catching up on parenting principles may be, you know, a real good idea.

So anyway, that's a key thing. What you see in the bottom half of the page here, you might notice that the colored chart there is identical to what we had last week in terms of physical intimacy that Jeremy taught on in the appendix item that we handed out. So here are the stages, the four that we have marked out. Non-romantic love, not engaged to be married under romantic love, and then engaged to be married under romantic love, and then married. Those three stages. What we have here is a description of equipping fitting to each stage. Equipping fitting to each stage. Notice on our prior page, what were one of the things? The church just doesn't say anything. We just marry people. We don't talk about anything else, right?

Here, what we do is we say, no, there is in fact equipping appropriate for each stage. Equipping appropriate for each stage. That it's a matter of giving the people the spiritually revealed facts so that they can walk by faith at whatever stage the Lord has them at.

Here it says, equipping should be sufficient to know what the gift of singleness and the gift of marriage are and how to know the difference for oneself. Jeremy taught on that distinction here in previous weeks here. So this is equipping sufficient to know, do I have the gift of singleness or do I have the gift of marriage? What's the difference?

How can I tell? Does a little blue button pop out? What's the indicator here? There's a red and a green light, little LEDs that come out? No. It's equipping, understanding, so that I understand what the difference is and how do I tell. The next one for under romantic love, the first one there, is equipping should be sufficient to know what the relationship should be like and for each to understand will be the key signals that the relationship can grow biblically. If you had no biblical example and were only to use the television, to tell you what's the appropriate behavior in a dating relationship. I almost hesitate to ask this question. I was going to say what would that look like, but that could be bad. Anyway, what does the world say is okay in a romantic relationship? Anything that feels good. Yeah. Anything that feels good. Yeah. Even if it feels bad afterwards. Yeah.

But that's the part they don't tell you about. And you have actors that go, okay, you're paid, you know, $50,000 to look like you're really hot after this guy. And the only reason they're hot is because they got gobs of lights all over them for the filming, right? The world has a really artificial situation set up there. And none of the consequences are shown for what they are. And these people, I mean, the way it's supposed to come across on the screen is that they have all this, you know, intimacy and, you know, romance and all that. And in fact, they've got all big crews around them. And, you know, wait, wait, wait, wait. Makeup artist comes up and pats the sweat off and, you know, just all sorts of crazy things. The world's image is extremely artificial.

And yet, If we don't say what's biblical, how are people going to know they're different? In a church that Nancy and I are familiar with, not this one, and it's not in the state, one of the girls in the youth group was going, you know, she just figured, you know, you're supposed to have sex with the guys you go out with. That's just the way it is. And so the youth group leaders are saying, boy, you know, we need to explain some things to you. But that's easily gotten from the world's messages that, you know, boy, you've got to deliver.

And so what this lays out is, instead, what does God have in mind for this first stage of a romantic relationship where it is not a certainty that this couple is going to get married? So that's the next one. And then for it engaged to be married, equipping must be in depth and specific to the couple so that they have a full tool chest of spiritual tools. Full tool chest of spiritual tools, not the world's ideas, not an empty tool chest, not five different kinds of compatibility tests, but a full tool chest of biblically valid tools to understand here's how we deal with things. One of the things that we'll go over in here dealing with these, we don't have it listed here specifically. We did cover it in the marriage class that's up on the website.

And that's just even James 119. Quick to listen. Quick to listen. Slow to speak. Boy, what a priority. What a priority. Not quick to speak, slow to listen. Now, just even something as simple as that, that's part of filling up the tool chest. Right there, okay? And then finally, as a couple is married, equipping for physical intimacy.

Now, this is assuming a situation that's ideal, but the reality is most Christian couples have not had adequate preparation. This is ideal. But most Christian couples have not had adequate preparation. Why might different Christian couples not have this kind of full preparation?

Why might that be? Can't wait. Can't wait. All right. All right. But it's just not available. We just don't offer it. You know, we'd like some help. What? What is that? You know? Yeah, not available. Why else? Okay, yeah, just maybe embarrassed, you know, admitting, Evans, I don't know all the answers here. Yeah, good. What else?

They think they know how it's done. Oh yeah, they think they know how it's done. And why would people think they know how it's done? TV yeah, I mean you not only have a full choice of all the different channels and cable you've got DVDs Yeah, let's let's hope you're digital, okay, let's hope you're digital I Yeah, the reality is people have various means by which they think they know, and that's an important thing to recognize. That's one of the reasons why it's so important to go through here to look at things. Even in this last month, I've had phone calls from, you know, people that, you know, they're, oh, I've got a lot of questions, but I know all the stuff you teach. What? Yeah, that's not what I was hoping to hear. Because if you did, you wouldn't ask me those questions. Okay? Yeah.

So, yeah, it's thinking that you know is frankly one of the big answers. One of the things is people will simply look at the marriages that they see, maybe their own parents' marriage, and figure that that's good enough background. Last night John McCain was asked what was his most moral failure, personal moral failure, and he said that it was the failure of his first marriage. Isn't that something?

Yeah, yeah. And how might it have been different? Yeah. Yeah, it's an amazing thing. People can have various reasons why they think they know. People can have various reasons why they don't ask, even if they wish they knew. But the reality is, God's Word says a whole bunch. Like I say, Nancy and I, a minimum of 10 sessions, and we're not going over anything Freud says. and what Adler and Young and Rogers and Maslow and all those guys said. We don't cover that. We don't go over any of that stuff. Why?

God's Word is so full of revelation on marriage. We've got plenty of time just to cover that. And if people have questions, we've got many times more material to go over. God's Word speaks to it abundantly. And it is rich. And it is because God intends for us to walk by faith. That's the bottom line. It's a walk by faith. There is a great deal to learn. There's a great deal to cover. There are great insights and it gives richness to the marriage.

I've shared in here before, for the first, certainly Nancy and I didn't do everything wrong, but for the first 15 years of our marriage, it was rather difficult because I was a beast. I was just a beast. And why was that? I didn't have the facts to walk by faith in. And so what did I do? I use what I thought that I knew, okay? Here's the I thought I knew answer. Well, of course, you know. My dad did this, therefore, that's what I do, right? Or try to. So, you know, those patterns that the world offers and that people typically assume, those don't work.

There's another reason, however, why Christians can be in a situation where they're not prepared and then they're stepping into, okay, what's a Christian marriage supposed to be like? You might have people that were unbelievers when they were married, okay? And then became believers. That could be another reason. So perfectly valid, and it's not, you know, any kind of a shortcoming necessarily, but it's just simply they weren't believers before, okay? So that can be one of the reasons why.

Okay. We will have plenty more time on this. By the way, some of what we have here came from people's comments and feedback, so I greatly appreciate it. I think it's really valuable, especially I appreciate your comments this morning as well. It's valuable to get lots of feedback because this is a topic that is immensely relevant. And as I started off with, even for those who are single, immensely relevant because it's still learning about a walk by faith. It's still the example is Christ and the Church and every believer fits into that, right?

So anyway, let's pray. Lord, we thank you that you have revealed so much marvelous truth because you do love us, because you care about us so much. And we thank you for the eternal significance that you have built into the marriage for a lifetime. And Lord, we give you thanks for all that you've laid out because you love us so much. We pray in Jesus' name. Amen.