Introduction: Husbands & Wives

Just to briefly summarize, last week we introduced it and the primary theme that we had was that because Ephesians 5, which is kind of our core passage, Ephesians 5 verse like 21 through 33, those use the relationship between Christ and the church and as the model for the husband and the wife. So then what we talked about is the summary theme would be the eternal romance between Christ and the church. That that's the basis for what Ephesians 5 has to say. So a lot of what we did here is to go through the Jewish wedding and marriage practices and that kind of thing and quote from verses that are based on those to illustrate the idea.

So anyway, you can look at that and listen to the audio to catch up to that. And we'll continue to kind of return to that theme. Now, you get to these. So this is the introduction into Ephesians 5, 21 through 33. And we'll also, I don't think there's any reason why I can't put this on the net as well. As you go along, if you miss, you should be able to also download the handout. Keep up.

We did this. We did this over. This is probably four years ago that we did a similar kind of thing. And in fact, it was it was really large. We had we had a Wednesday night meeting and then a meeting here at the church and a Sunday meeting. was such that we had all these tables that you see here, all full of people. So lots of folks. And that's one reason why this time around, it's basically the folks who were here the last time. So everybody else has it all figured out.

Well, I wouldn't say that. So let's go ahead, and this is the Ephesians 5 passage, and we'll be taking kind of an intro to it. And one of the things that we'll do differently, because you may recognize it, we talked through a lot of this like 14 months ago, you know, in the main service. But one of the things we'll want to do differently here that you don't have the opportunity for is some interaction, one. And two, to talk a little more specifically, what does this look like? What does this look like? So, here's Ephesians 5, 21-33.

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the Church, because we are members of his body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the Church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife, even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

You know, one of the things we point out, kind of the obvious here, men and women are different. Although you've had, you've probably had some people who wouldn't want to argue that point, but usually there's enough recognition that that's not an issue. What's clear is scripture makes clear that male and female are intended by God to be different.

That's one thing our culture, I think sociologists recently stated, there are eleven genders in our culture. Eleven genders? Yeah, there's eleven genders because you've got all these different, you know, besides male and female, you've got all these different crossover I'm a male, but I like males and females. I like just the males. Or I'm a male and I've gotten an operation to be, you know, all these. So anyway, they come up with 11 different genders.

You've heard it in your classes. I've made it in sociology. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So you may have even studied some of that, some of that to some degree. Yeah. Yeah. I had a class on marriage and family, you know, sociology of marriage and family years ago, and they didn't get the stuff that we have available today.

But anyway, one of the things we point out here is most of the translations place a division between 21 and 22. They'll have a section, you know, husbands and wives. But the fact is they're breaking it in the middle of a sentence. Because in reality, the way it starts, 21 to 22, is really continuous and right in the middle of the Greek sentence. And by breaking it up they kind of lose the sense of it.

The other thing is the verse actually starts in verse 18. The thought and the sentence start in verse 18 and it's actually in verse 18 where there is the imperative. And so when you start looking at that, I'm looking at the third slide on the second page here, the Greek text looks more like this, and do not get drunk with wine, so that's an imperative, right? For that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit. And what we went over in detail, we won't do it today, but we went over in detail, this is actually be filled with Christ. has a sense of be filled with something.

And one of the things we do is take a parallel passage, Colossians 3.16, and look at that, because it isn't being filled with the Spirit as a fluid, but it's being filled with Christ by means of the Spirit is really the sense of it. And then you see the italics in blue.

There are five things that are an ing kind of ending. So the person who is filled with Christ by means of the Spirit, the church body expresses that by speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing, making melody with your heart to the Lord, giving thanks is one of the things that being filled with Christ results in, and the last one there is in being subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Now what he's introducing is There are three kinds of being subject to that he's introducing, and the husband-wife relationship is the first of those. So the wife then is the first one to come off of that being subject to, but it's not actually an imperative for the wife to be subject. Is that interesting? But what we'll find at the end of the passage is another verse that looks like it's an imperative to the wife.

It's not an imperative either. And it's simply the way that the translators break it up. And it's a translation choice that they make. But it's real interesting. The husband is given imperatives multiple times. The wife is actually in this passage never given an imperative. Now, what he does is he implies and defers the wife's behavior, but it's actually as subtle as you can say it and still say it. Isn't that interesting? But to the husband, he gets blunt.

So, the imperatives are in verse 18, and there's actually no imperatives in there until you get to what's directed to the husband. So, then you have, be subject to one another in the fear of Christ, and these are the instances. Wives, and then farther down in chapter 6, children, and then slaves. Those are the being subject to examples that he gives. But in the midst of that, he was quite a bit of instruction to the husband. Now, the next one, and I'm on the sixth slide down, this is what Paul is saying.

Wives to your own husbands as to the Lord. Children, obey your parents in the Lord. And slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters as to Christ. So there's a relationship to Christ involved in each one of the beings subject to. So he doesn't just say, be subject to. He says, be subject to, and he actually puts it in a listen under statement to the children. It's always first in relationship to the Lord. The relationship to the Lord is the starting point for each of those statements. So it's consistent with that.

Can you explain moral imperative versus logical imperative? Yeah, here's the idea, and it'll come out real importantly, especially when we get to the husband's part, because contrary to what the English translation seems to imply, the wife is actually not given an imperative in this passage. There is what I'll call a moral-legal imperative, has the idea of You must do this. It has the force of law with the consequence of a penalty if you fail to do so.

And you must do it of your own doing and resources. This is the way the Old Testament law was given. In the New Testament, it's kind of amazing, there's over 600 imperatives. There's about as many imperatives in the New Testament as there are in Old Testament laws. Lots of imperatives. The New Testament imperatives have a different sense about them, and that is that, whereas in the Old Testament, do this so that you will be blessed, otherwise you'll be in big trouble.

In the New Testament, you're already blessed. So do it because of the ways you're blessed, not in order to be blessed. So you don't have the sword hanging over you. He says, you've been blessed, and this is your position. Because of your position, therefore, do this. So we'll run into that, particularly when we look at the husband's commands here. So, be filled, for instance, is simply... That is a real imperative, yeah, in the Greek. Kind of more of a logical imperative. Right, yeah. And it's a logical imperative, having the idea of, you're already blessed, that's not a question.

You have a position in Christ that's never going to be touched. So a lot of what I think most believers, I would think, would say to be blessed they have to do this to be rewarded or whatever. They're not motivated by what has been done, Real simple, the chapter before this, forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven you. Not forgive, because the Sermon on the Mount, you forgive or else you're not going to be forgiven. Right? Paul gets talking to them here and he doesn't do that. He says, forgive. Why? You've already been forgiven. As God in Christ has forgiven you.

So the motivation is reversed. So that's an important distinction to make because we're not under the same law situation. We're blessed unconditionally. I have my position in Christ and I'm blessed regardless. So then, you do the math. The husband is to the wife as Christ is to the church.

And that's the big point we were making last week. Nancy and I were sharing it at that point in time. This next month, Nancy and I have both been married 33 years. I didn't understand this when I was first getting married, but increasingly I shared that this just grabs me at heart.

The understanding that I, for whatever time, have the privilege and the honor of living out with Nancy the eternal romance between Christ and the Church for whatever time that I've been given. The reality, the eternal reality, is that romance between Christ and the Church. I get to live the analogy for whatever time the Lord gives us. I get to live the analogy of that relationship as the analogy of that romance, that eternal romance between Christ and the Church.

That is cool. That is major cool. I told Craig and Jessica last week, I said, to me, I get up every morning and that just, I am astounded every day. Usually I get up before Nancy, early riser. She gets up and we'll hug each other in the morning. I just sometimes get filled with tears. Just what an amazing thing the Lord has given us this opportunity for this day. It's overwhelming. It's astounding.

But this example he's going to keep on making reference to. And he will see, here's the relationship between Christ and the church, therefore the husband and the wife live this way. And I think it's important for us to, because the mathematical relationship, flip it over. What that says is that I'm living out that romance between Christ and the church. Because he keeps doing it, it's not something incidental. He keeps using that in the passage. So this makes for an entirely different relationship. Page three.

We have there, we'll go through in detail, but it's just kind of interesting to stand back and take a look at. You've got things in blue italics that are wisely subject to your husbands. And then, you know, so the wives ought also to be to their husbands and everything. And like I said, that's not actually an imperative. We'll explain that. And then to the wife at the very last part of verse 33, the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

That's all it says to the light. The husband, on the other hand, is given directly those things that are in red, underlining. The rest of the passage there, what you see in black, is the relationship between Christ and the church. back off from it, just kind of look at what's the balance of the passage about. The balance of the passage says a lot about Christ and the Church, a lot to the husbands, a little bit to the wives.

We'll be seeing somewhat of a reversal of that when we get into 1 Peter 3, 1 through 7. The wife gets six verses and the husband gets one. So it's interesting, they're a complement to each other. The husband gets a lot of the message here, one verse in 1 Peter 3, 1 through 7. And then the wife gets a little bit here, most of the passage in 1 Peter 3. The other thing to look at, and obviously we'll be looking at it in more detail too, look at those places for love for the husband. Husband's love, and that is an imperative to the husband.

Husbands, love your wives. And then in verse 28 is an implied imperative. He could have used an imperative. He could have said, so husbands, love your wives, your own wives as their own bodies. Then it says, husbands ought to, which has the idea of an implied imperative. Then he says, he who loves.

So it isn't an imperative, it's a description. And then finally in verse 33, the husband is to love his own wife. So what you have there is two imperatives, one implied imperative, and then one love as a statement. Love for the husband is addressed four times, but it's never addressed in the passage for the wife to love. And we'll see why that is when we get down the road. So isn't that interesting?

And the first one and the last one are definitely imperatives, and look at what he does with the last one. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife as himself. and puts his nose to theirs and says, I mean you. So he gets very emphatic with it. The first imperative is husbands love your wives, general. And it's not that he doesn't mean it all across the board. But by the time he gets to verse 33, he doesn't give any sidestep room. He doesn't give the husband's room to say, well, it couldn't possibly be me. OK, top of page four.

This is the four kinds of love. Verse 25 tells to the husband a sacrificial love. 26 and 27 spells out a sanctifying love. 28 and 29 to 30 spell out a caring love on the part of the husband. And then 31 and 32 spell out a bonded love on the part of the husband. So if you think about it, how do we summarize that section to the husbands?

Four mentions of love. First and last being directly imperatives. Four kinds of love, too. So it's amazing. Each one of those kinds of love is clearly a love spelled out. So it is amazing how thorough he is here. So think about it. He's telling them first and last and a couple times in between to love their wives. He uses a word for unconditional love. You love your wife. He gives the illustration, Christ and the Church, so you know the kind of love. Then he, in addition to that, sacrificial, sanctifying, caring, and bonded love. So four times to the husband, love. Four kinds of love while you're doing it. In Christ, Christ and the Church is the primary example.

We won't go into the detail here, but just to make the point that Paul wasn't just bowing to the culture, this wasn't just some cultural thing. But instead, notice that the example is a relationship between Christ and the Church, so that's not cultural. That stands outside of culture. You can look into some of that if you like, otherwise we'll simply go along. addressing your question earlier about imperatives. I will take a look. Was Paul just vowing to the culture of his day? The last one there.

It says a pious male Jew would recite in his daily prayers, thank you that I was not born a Gentile, a slave, or a woman. Because a free Jewish male is under more of the laws. So he considered it a privilege to be born and to be responsible for more laws. And therefore, he was thankful that he was a male because he was under more of the laws.

And so that's kind of the mindset. Whereas, because they're looking to the law, for the believer, it's, I'm under the Lord. And I'm in Christ. And that is the focus. There are more laws to follow. You get more blessings. Yeah. I have more blessings. I have more laws. I get to focus more on what God has given me to do.

One of the things that the apostles, in contrast to the culture, because there was a lot of the culture, not all of it, there were some exceptions, around Philippi and Thessalonica and in the middle of what is now Turkey, There was a class of women who were of higher standing. They were allowed to have their own businesses and things like that. But most of the Roman Empire, women were not well thought of. And in some cases, practically property. That's not communicated here.

The position, Galatians 3.28, the position of male and female is the same. Every positional statement in the New Testament epistles applies to all who believe regardless of their gender. And God wasn't weighing the value of femaleness and maleness.

There's a passage in 1 Peter 3.7 that addresses this issue really well. So we'll take a look when we get there.

The modern feminist group would be happy to see that, wouldn't they? Well, it's a funny thing. They'd be glad to see that. You know, the submission thing, they oftentimes don't understand. Because you look at it, it's delightful to submit, yeah, in the most subtle way possible. But look at the responsibilities on the husband. It's phenomenal. We'll get back to it. But it blows my circuits.

So anyway, a lot of times in our culture, we're tending to think in terms of valuing one versus the other. Scripture does not go there. Scripture says that God made them different, there's a different role, but Scripture, in terms of value, value is equal. The complementary roles and the differences are not something that are a basis for evaluation whatsoever. Okay, let's go to page six here.

I'd say one of the things that the world gets hung up on as we look at because the world has this pendulum that doesn't have Christ in the church as an example. You have this dominate, subjugate, and abuse swing on one side, and on the other side is Jim, dear ambiguity, and tug-of-war. And so the world gets caught in this thing, and of course you get a lot of feminists complain about the domination. And then the reality is that there has been, in our culture, a horrible history of abuse and neglect on the part of husbands and roles that they have.

So not defending what's happened at all. But just simply saying, neither one of those. Scripture is not looking at this pendulum swing thing or really any of the issues because, and here's the thing, if we have the example of Christ and the Church as the measure of the relationship between husband and wife, then frankly the world isn't going to understand it.

And it shouldn't surprise us that they don't comprehend it. The point we made last week is that ultimately the Christian marriage should be baffling to the world. They should look at it and just, I don't understand this. It should be something that they can't explain in terms of the people they see in front of them and ordinary human understanding. Should we bow to the culture of our day?

That gets to the point you're bringing up there. The pattern of behavior is based on that relationship of Christ and the Church. What Paul wrote was inspired by the Holy Spirit. We would be foolish to set Spirit-inspired revelations aside in favor of current culture. And that's one thing, as our culture keeps shifting and moving around. There isn't some model within a particular cultural period of time that's the standard.

It's a biblical model, and it's quite different. Maleness and femaleness are a mode for earthly times, and so is our marriage, too. That's something we pointed out last week, and we'll encounter it again. I've talked with Nancy about this. We are living an analogy. We have this opportunity to live out this analogy between Christ and the church.

When we walk through heaven's gates, we will no longer have gender. And it won't be a matter, you know, because I really love being married to Nancy. And I especially don't like that she's away. But I love being married to Nancy and I love it more every day. I'm just absolutely bonkers about being married to Nancy. But when I walk through heaven's gates, I don't think that I'll be looking back and saying, well this is cool, but I sure missed that.

Because what's happening, what I love about it is that we get to live out that eternal romance between Christ and the Turk. And when we walk through heaven's gates, we say, oh, well here's the reality. That was wonderful. This is even better. But what a neat thing that we got a chance to live out for whatever years of time the Lord allows.

This thing that is now, here's the reality we're stepping into. This isn't disappointment. This is the best possible way to prepare me for this next thing. Yeah, now I'm stepping into the reality. It's like, of course, some sort of rough approximation. It's kind of like, you know, going to school for some particular trade or profession and then actually doing it. This is what it's for. I did this for this. Neat thing. Who wants to go back to school?

So the world's got all kinds of stereotypes and jokes, but ultimately we're looking at God-designed marriage. The world doesn't understand it. But the reverse side of this thing is that we get to express, living out the analogy, we get to express the reality.

That's what's major cool. We get to express the reality. So he's spelled out. What does that look like? And what's interesting here is, as you go through this passage, the husband is front and center in this thing. The wife is like bookends. Brief bookends. Without imperatives, contrary to the English. And the husband is front and center.

Now, we'll get into more detail, but why would that be? Why would the husband be so focal in this thing? Because of the analogy. Because of the analogy. The analogy or mathematical equation. Who is the husband standing for? For Christ. Yeah, that's why. That's why. And that's why he has more responsibilities, per se. Yeah. And there's other reasons we'll see as we get farther down the road. Let's backtrack just a little bit to the top of page four. And we'll go into this in more detail. I just want to kind of get an overview, look at some of the things here.

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. That loved and gave himself up for her is something that Paul repeats several times. Galatians 2.20 No longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me. So this is a frequent formula that Paul uses. What does that look like in a marriage?

I can imagine, I get up in the morning, I get one nail in, down at the ankles. And then I get this one in. Hon, can you help me? So this crucifixion thing is a little tough. It's a little tough to ask her to do it. What does that mean? So that's something I want to take a look at. Because this is great, and it's lofty. Here I am living out the eternal relationship between Christ and the church, this eternal romance. But now here's the first kind of love. How do I do that? That's a real challenge.

One of the things that we'll ask is... I won't do it now. I'll just think about it. One of the things we'll ask is for the wife, or I'll say prospective wife, in your case, what does love look like coming to you as a wife? What does that sacrificial love look like? Am I supposed to answer now?

No. Okay. I'm not putting you on the spot. No, that's fine. I'm not putting you on the spot. I want you to think about that because it's great. He put a lot of heavy stuff in here and I think for us to think about, not just read over it, because we can get the concepts. That's easy.

It's different on Monday morning at 7.35. What does it look like at that hour? What does it look like at 9 o'clock Saturday morning? That's where we've got to look at it. Because the theory is just wonderful. Now, what does that look like? And it's important to ask the question, what does that look like from the wife's standpoint?

Nancy and I do marriage counseling together. I've got a few different reasons why we always do it together. And frankly, the counseling is simply focused teaching. It's not a, we don't sit there and get all psychological and Freudian. But it's simply focused teaching. But one of the things that we sit down, it's kind of a serious game that we play, and most people find it fun and interesting, is we'll ask each of the partners in the marriage, tell us three things that the other person does that says love to you.

And what we find is almost always there's a surprise. Almost always. I think maybe only once in the times we've done it has there not been a surprise. What I mean by that, it's not just that we're surprised, we're often surprised. But surprise between the couple. Between the members of the couple. One person. You mean you value that? That says love to you?

So anyway, this is something to think about. And the sacrificial love is actually, in one way, it's the hardest one of the four, often, just observation. For people to ponder, what does that look like? It's easy, okay, Jesus died on the cross, and you can see how that means love. Now what does that look like for a husband? It's awfully awkward to do your job when you're nailed. A sanctifying love. This is a love that pursues her spiritual growth. A caring love. A love that widens the circle of care to include her. And a bonded love. to put it down kind of colloquially, stuck to her like glue.

And so anyway, we will step through that one bit at a time, and we'll go through this because we just kind of hit the high spots. But we want to talk about what does this look like? What is the reality of it? Because almost everybody, when they look at it, boy, just in terms of the concept, this is wonderful stuff. It's what does that look like with shoe leather?

That's the part that has to be worked on. One more thing, and that's that with all the imperatives, dozens and dozens of them, and the husband is the one that gets them here, The imperatives, none of them were intended to be done in your own strength, right? None. These two. So the first conclusion that you can draw, the best conclusion you can draw first, is, I can't do this. If I look at that and say, oh, I can do that, you're in trouble.

Because that's not intended. It's not only the analogy, Christ's love for the Church, it is Christ's love through you, for the wife, that's the design. That's why before he even starts the imperatives, he talks about God energizing the believer, empowering the believer, making the believer able. So these are not intended to be done in our own strength. even the more subtly given things for the light. OK, this is just a start. Thoughts, comments, questions, exasperations? I might be getting ahead, but I think... Go right ahead.

How can you do any of these unless, like I think Miles Stanford would say, you have a hungry heart and Christ applies the cross to the old man. Because other than that, you're just doing it on your own power. This must be done only in the Lord's enabling. Absolutely. is the Lord's to-do. It's not to be done, OK, here's your assignment. OK, I can just go out and do it. This isn't an assignment of the Marines to take the hill. So here's an amazing thing. This is, live out the analogy, lived out by His life and by His energy.

Is there a reason why, is that why sacrificial love is first? We're going to take a look at that in order, because notice he gives a particular order here, and there's a rationale to it, as we'll see when we get there. But there is an order to it that makes some sense, and there's a priority, and we'll take a closer look at it. Other thoughts, questions, pondering? How do we know if it's an implied imperative for women? You might have explained that earlier, but I missed it. We'll talk about that more in detail.

The only thing, it isn't exactly an imperative like it says in English. It doesn't say be subject to your husband. It doesn't say, you know, for example, the last part of the, there's the wife must see to it. Actually, the must see to it is not there. And wife, be subject to, is not there in the Greek. It carries over implication from elsewhere in the passage actually. So Paul tells the wife to be subject to her husband and tells the wife that she must respect her husband. But does so as subtly as you can say it without telling or flat out, you must, like the English implies.

It's clear the translator was married. And you know, what's interesting, a lot of the times the translators, they have a tougher job than I do because they're told by their publishers, you know, you make this thing brief, you don't give me a gazillion words to explain this. Well, I get to use a gazillion words if that's what it takes. So, a lot of times it's because the publishers are telling them, you know, cut it down, keep it brief.

There's one other principle that's going to come out of this, that shows up in the passage, and that is, the husband is told to love, the wife is told to submit, and you notice at the end, respect. We'll talk about it in more detail, but it's something to ponder. The mental issues for men are quite often asking the question, does she respect me? The mental issues for women are quite often centered upon her asking the question, does She is, in everything, asking that question. Does he love me? Does he love me? Does he love me? Does he love me? And the husband, does he want to be loved? Yes. But the big part of his thing is, does she respect me? And Paul doesn't miss it here. He hits it right on.

So, just keep that in the back of your mind as you're thinking of these things. The love and respect question is a B. And hidden in a lot of issues in marriage are people not realizing that. The gal's going through all kinds of emotional wrestling, and the bottom line is she doesn't feel loved. And the guy's going, you know, he's struggling with the way the wife's interacting with him, and the bottom line, he doesn't feel respected. Anyway, we'll get there. Okay? All right. Enough for today.