Sacrificial love, Sanctifying love

Okay, this is now our fourth time getting together, and sacrificial love, sanctifying love, pardon the typo in there, the black and white copies you made lacked that. It was fixed. Anyway, so this is, we'll be looking at Ephesians 5, 25 through 27, so we're kind of stepping our way through this.

This says, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. Okay. We obviously have the equation, if you will, in verse 23. The husband is to the wife as Christ is to the church. And what we're going to step our way through this week and next week is there's sacrificial love, sanctifying love, that's this week's, and then caring love and bonded love, the next week's, and then there's one more week after that. So we'll go through the three meetings this month, finishing that up and finishing up this passage.

So, top of page two. So this word, husbands love your wife, just as, so here's the comparison point, Christ loved, so past tense, the church, and gave himself up for her. This love and love, this is the Agapao, so this is the first time ever the husband gets told basically four times, talking about loving his wife, and this is the first of those. It's an imperative, so the husband loving his wife unconditionally is the only logical conclusion from his position in Christ.

And we base that on Paul's pattern of Here's three chapters plus on your position in Christ, and now that you know your position, here is the outcome. Here's the way it looks lived out. It's that. It's also because he continues to use logic, and even in this he uses the analogy, just as the husband is to the wife. It stems from the relationship between Christ and the Church. It's the reality of Christ and the Church lived out as an analogy, the husband and the wife. So that's the basis. The second use of Agapolo is a statement of historical fact.

Christ's unconditional love for us is what motivated him to give his life for us. So his love is the basis for our love. His quality, and as we'll see, the various characters of Christ's love is the basis for the love relationship in the marriage. Then the other pattern and we see it on the second and third slides there is that loved and gave himself up is a pattern he used earlier in that same chapter Ephesians 5 1 & 2 just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us an offering and then in Galatians 2 20 he said the same sequence I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me so this is a consistent The thing is, he loved me and he gave himself up for me.

Both of those things go together and he keeps pairing them. So that's the example of the relationship between the husband and the wife. It's this repeated loved and gave himself up for. Loved unconditionally and gave himself up for. That's the model for the husband-wife relationship. So that's what love looks like.

A husband's love for his wife is not based on the wife's personality, physical attractiveness, fertility, behavior, or any benefit he receives as a result of his relationship with her. In Jewish marriages in biblical times, the thought was if the wife didn't have Any kids, by the time you've been married for ten years, that you would divorce her.

Of course. That was the assumption. Of course, there was no asking whether it was biologically the husband's problem, which it may well have been. But that was the assumption. Oh, you've been married ten years, no kids? All right, I'll get rid of her. But what he says is, no, that's not the criteria.

You love her unconditionally, and that unconditionally doesn't have a bunch of loopholes. And the thing is, even if you think about today, and it's been true for a lot of years, the love songs of today, it's frequently you do this and you are that and you look this way and it's all the things that you do or are or look or what you can produce. All those things, those are the reasons for singing the song and why I love you and all that. He says, you need to love her for no good reason at all. The amazing thing to me is that as you love me unconditionally, you do make me feel beautiful and worthy and intelligent and all the things that society puts value on. are the result of being loved unconditionally, not because they're just innate in me.

The next slide down there, so that Christ loved the church and gave himself up for a specific and eternal purpose. So notice that in verses 26 and 27, he's saying that Christ loving unconditionally, this is the next thing, this is the purpose. He didn't just say, I love you, and I'll give myself up for you, and who knows what happens after that. He said, I loved and gave myself up for you, and here is what's going to happen next because of that. So that's an interesting thing. The love is unconditional, but it is not without thought of the consequence afterwards. I love you and gave myself up for you, he said, so that this outcome. So let's see what the outcome is there.

He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word. He might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle. or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. That first part of Ephesians there was another one of those holy and blameless places. Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, we would be holy and blameless before Him in love.

It's just as he chose what the father does. We made the comparison with the wedding ceremony before. The father did the choosing of the bride, the church for the son, just as was done in the Jewish families. This is an eternal involvement. It wasn't just the father saying, look who my son picked. There wasn't some kind of stumbling across it. But here was the choosing of the father and then the son saying, I'll pay the bride price.

What is it? Oh, it takes that? Okay, well, that's what it takes. I'm for it. Kind of amazing. Let's look at the... Oh, wait a minute. We've got to stop here. Go ahead and turn to the top of page 3. We've got to stop. Here's the deal. When you look at the... We said there's four kinds of love. The first one is the sacrificial kind of love. Now you think about that. For Christ to love us sacrificially, It wasn't easy, but it's easier for us to see that and to see what that looks like.

For me as a husband, to live that out is a little tougher. I made the analogy earlier. Okay, I got my feet nailed and I got one hand. After that, I'm hard-pressed to get the nail in the other hand. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for an encore. So here's where we come to a real important practical question. I kind of asked Nancy this ahead of time to kind of get her thinking about it.

What does that look like? Because of the four kinds of love, this is probably the toughest one to come up with an answer. What does this look like? it means that the husband would be willing to give his life for his bride. There's not too many chances to do that and maybe it might be the last time you have a chance. So the question is in everyday life what does that look like? What does sacrificial I'm willing to die for you love look like on Monday morning? What does that look like? So anyway, I asked Nancy to kind of give some what does that look like?

Looking back over the years, of course when you're going through it you don't always recognize that that's what it is. But it's little things like I wanted to go to a concert and it wasn't his favorite idea of how to spend the evening and he went anyway and had a good time. He didn't go grudgingly. I went but she's really sorry I went. It's a lot of little things that add up.

Putting up with me through three pregnancies and menopause was huge. Because women really, I mean the whole idea of PMS and mood swings of pregnancy, PMS and menopause are real. They're not They're not just something we say to get away with bad behavior. Because believe me, you hate yourself when you're going through that.

And yet he loved me through that. That had to be sacrificial because there was no way it was a pretty sight. It's little things like getting up from the dinner table and putting away the leftovers and clearing the table, especially when we have company so that I can sit with the guests because I've prepared the meal and he'll just clear it away. And even it is his walk with the Lord, it's knowing that he puts the Lord before me. That's really critical. Because if he didn't put the Lord first, he would have no basis for loving me. One of the things that we brought up before was thinking through and communicating with one another.

What does love mean? How do I see it through my eyes? That's an important thing to talk about. I asked Nancy to share what does that look like? Because of the four kinds of love, and here Paul goes and puts it first, it's one that Christ dying on the cross, if we think about it, grabs us graphically and emotionally and grabs us at heart, and we can get a sense of that. For the husband to live that out is a tougher thing, because it is tougher to translate that into, oh, that always looks like this. That's one reason I asked Nancy to say something about it. It is how she sees it that counts. We had the Lord's table this morning. What is it the Lord wants us to remember? That's the bride's view. Remember. What does remembrance look like from the bride's standpoint?

Is that what it is? Without the basis of sacrificial love, the sanctifying love looks like self-righteousness, or holier-than-thou. Oh, I want you to be this way. And the caring love is always a little iffy. Why do you love me? And the bonded love is, again, always in question without the knowledge of the sacrificial love.

I would say one other thing, and it's something Nancy and I have talked about, and that is that we've talked about the wife submitting to a loving leader. One of the key things that the sacrificial love puts the focus on is leadership does not mean getting your own way. Nancy kind of pointed at that, but that's a key thing. Leadership does not mean getting your own way.

It's looking for what is the best for the the couple and for the family, those kinds of decisions. Which could be even not what either one of you want to do. Might be, yeah. It won't be into this more when we get into the first period of 3-7, but it may be the husband listening to the wife, looking at it, checking into it, and ultimately deciding, well, we need to do this, and that's the best thing.

Sacrificially, it isn't what I want to do, but this is the best thing to do. And so it may be saying, I need to do what Nancy wants here, even though it isn't my first choice. Gee, I wanted to go out shooting this weekend and come off a bunch of rounds or something like that, but she wanted to do this other thing. Taking the time to think through those things and making those kinds of decisions, being the loving leader, but recognizing doing that, that doesn't mean getting in your own way. Being the master of the house doesn't mean he's your bossy. And so that's a key thing as we look at that sanctifying, excuse me, the sacrificial love. It's one that is tough for us to grab, but we need to think about it first.

That's why he called it what it is first. And it's something that the husband and the wife do well to communicate personally about. Talk initially about what that means and then continue to talk about what that means. That's why Nancy and I recommend this game, if you will, of talking between each other.

What does love mean from the way I see it? I was just going to say that it also doesn't mean that I always get my way. He has to be looking out for what's really best for our family. If that means doing something different than what I want, he still needs to lead us in that direction.

Because we would not have come here if he had done what I wanted. We would have gone back to Nevada. Would the Lord have used us there? Sure. But it's pretty clear this is where he wanted us to be. Before we step out of that, because this next page, page three, goes into the next kind of love.

It's a key thing for us to square up with this sacrificial love. It takes some harder thinking, in fact, than the other three kinds. I'm not saying you don't have to think about the others, but it's a harder thing. It takes some real digging and it takes some real communication. Underscore the point that we made last week.

The wife must know all the time that her husband loves her unconditionally. Let's say I have to make a decision that isn't what she wants to do. I'm making it because it's the right decision, not just that's what I want, but it's the right decision to be made. She still needs to know that I love her unconditionally. in the middle of that. So, all the time, the husband must communicate so that the wife knows, and I want to put that flip side of it, so that the wife knows that he loves her unconditionally, all the time.

The other thing that is critical is for the husband to display the sacrificial love day by day, means that he has a relationship that is living and vibrant with the one who made this ultimate sacrifice for us. It has to do with the relationship with the Lord. I can't just intellectually rationalize, here's what sanctifying love looks like, and I've talked with my wife about it, so we're done. needs to know that I'm doing what I'm doing out of my relationship with the Savior who died for us both. So that's a part of what the sacrificial love is about. This love that I'm expressing to you, wife, that comes from my relationship with the one who died for both of us.

And she needs to know that too. This is a real communication job, isn't it? Now we'll go on to page three. being sanctified. In the past, all believers were made saints. They were sanctified based on belief in Christ. That's the basis of their irreversible position in the heavenlies. I'm going to jump here. In the future, believers will all be completely and irreversibly sanctified when they see Christ, when their condition will be made to permanently conform to their eternal position.

It's the in the present sanctification that the husband has a part in. The first one, that's all God's doing. The next one, That's all God's doing. It's this one in the present. Believers are being sanctified as they behold Christ through the Word of God in their present condition.

That's the part that the husband has. And so when we look at this next section, keep that in mind. That sanctifying love that the husband has for the wife is this present beholding the Lord process between the time when the wife was saved and the time when she goes to be home with the Lord. So far as the Lord has the husband in that process, that's the kind of sanctification he's looking at. A growing in the Lord. A process that is ongoing now.

In Ephesians 5.25-27 it says, so that he might sanctify her, of course that's the example, That's Christ sanctifying the church. So there's our example for the husband and wife. Having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word. This word is rhema, not the usual word logos, which has to do with the written word. Rhema typically refers to a spoken word, either from God or from Christ. Isn't that interesting?

So the husband has a place of communicating the Word of God verbally, talking the Word of God to the wife. It's not just, Honey, I'm interested in your sanctification, here's a new Bible for Christmas. Honey, I'm interested in your sanctification, go to church, let me know how it went. But instead, and certainly there are other things involved with it, but notice where the focus is. The focal point of that sanctification is the husband's verbal communication with the wife. Isn't that something? The husband's verbal communication with the wife is the focal point of that sanctification. Notice what the character of that is.

That he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing. that she would be holy and blameless. Remember in the Jewish wedding ceremony that we looked at, everybody, father of the bride, family, friends, everybody was looking towards presenting this bride on the wedding day that she's ready. She's been preserved for that day. She has been prepared for that day. Everybody's pitching in on this thing. This is the husband's part. He's looking at the wife being ready for the day she goes home to be with the Lord. That's the thing.

We think of Hal and Hal's... He's going to see the Lord face to face. We were talking about a passage Friday when I was out at Hal's place and Mike and Roger and I were sitting down with Hal and we were talking about a passage and Hal said, and I'm going to know what it means before you do because I'm going to go home and see the Lord. That sounds like Hal.

But we're living this day for that day. And the husband's focus here, these four kinds of love, now the second kind that he mentions here, the second kind here, the example we have from Christ, which of course that's the example for the husband, right? The example we have from Christ is the focus upon her preparedness for that day. Her growing in the Lord.

And the primary tool for that is the husband's communication of the word verbally with the wife. Let's think about what all does that mean? What are the different ways that the husband can be involved in the wife's spiritual growth? What do you think about that? What are some different ways that the husband can be involved with the wife's spiritual growth? First of all, just beholding Christ. Personally. The husband himself? Okay. Pursuing Christ and beholding Him. transformed into Christ's image. So then, of course, that's going to be shared, that experience.

So the husband is not just saying, look, hon, I want you to grow spiritually. I have the foggiest idea of what I'm doing, but I want you to grow. Do as I say, not as I do. The point here is that the husband is leading, not just pushing her out the door. Eric, go out there and grow. So the husband is involved in this. Good. What else do you see?

Well, I was going to say if he's leading the family spiritually and not in a self-righteous way or whatever because he's got to walk with the Lord and he can only do that through Christ. It's like a good example for the wife and the kids too, if there's kids in the picture. And so it's not like a do as I say, not as I do kind of thing. You're kind of emulating what you see in him, and I know when we're walking that way, it does just naturally give you and the kids just spiritual growth and better knowledge of the Lord.

I think it's kind of living by example. I think it's possibly, too, looking for opportunities for her. Spiritual opportunities. Spiritual opportunities, whether that be doing some kind of a Bible study, the two of you. Some couples do that all the time and it's great. We did that before we were married. We haven't done it so much since we were married, but looking for other opportunities. Is there a daytime study or an evening study that she can go to that has good teaching?

That's important. What are the resources? Your walk, you husbands, that's critical, but how are you choosing a church so that she can be fed. You're looking for one that teaches grace and that provides opportunities. So I have a question about this verse. Yes. Having cleansed her by the washing of the water, with the word. Who is the her? Is that talking about Christ and the church?

Yes. Yes. Yeah. As a matter of fact, on that prior section, we had the different color codes. Yeah, this is talking about Christ and the church. And so the inference for the husband and wife is only because Christ and the church is the example. Right. Okay. Which is the piece stated before.

I just think that's interesting that word there is not the right word. It's a spoken word. Yeah, it implies a spoken word. He chose Rayma instead of Lava. So the strong silent type. Biceps are good, but... That's right. I mean the whole thing is challenging to the husband. It just is. But here's the thing. As a statistical thing, women tend to speak verbally about twice as many words a day as men. And that's just an average. Some households it's even far more extreme. Talks much, says little.

And yet what's called for here is a communication on his part. And being the initiator of love and him doing the communication doesn't mean he's not listening to her and all those things aren't going on. But a real focus on his communication and getting things across.

And I think, again, this is another area where thinking through what does this look like, and we'll get into Peter's insight into this in 1 Peter 3.7, is thinking specifically, alright, where is my wife at spiritually?

What does she need next? You know, I sat down with Nancy and I said, hon, this is great, let me show you this great, look at the participle here and the sentence diagram, you see that? that may not be where she's at. So the key thing is it's possible to just say okay here's our program and here's my checklist and that doesn't do it. One of the things about speaking is that it goes along with the rest of communication which says is this too much? Is she getting it? Nancy and I are probably chuckling about the same thing. One point in time, I think I just finished doing a study through the seminary on 1 Corinthians, and I sat down and told her all of 1 Corinthians in two hours. Wow! And I could see this look on her face, her eyes blink, blink, blink. There is a certain sensitivity to capacity that needs to be put in here.

I think another thing too, because obviously this passage here, what we're looking at now anyway, doesn't deal with how about the kids. How a husband communicates and deals with the kids is also a manner of expression to the wife. Yeah, that's true. And we've sat down with some couples where that's what they're looking at, big time. The wife is, how are you treating our kids? If you're treating them in a way that says, You love me, I'll see it through how you treat them. That's really amazing.

We've seen that in some relationships be real prominent. It's something to think about too, how does that get carried out. It may well look different and it may also be different in different families. I don't see some universal formula. Do it this way. Read this. Here's the program. We got this. Read this on Tuesday. Read this on Wednesday. Read it to the whole family and check it off. You don't see that. We'll talk about that later, but that may also be a part of the picture here. How does the father, who is the husband, treating the kids in this mix as well? The next one down.

Husbands, does it make sense that with you standing as Christ in a relationship with your bride, you are to live sacrificially for your bride as Christ paid the bride price for his church with his own life's blood? With you standing as Christ in that relationship with your bride, that is, the Lord himself prepares an eternal place for her, that you have the most amazing opportunity within this short time to prepare her for that eternal place? That's putting the sacrificial love and the sanctifying love together. Those two are lived out. He identifies them separately, but they're lived out at the same time, aren't they? We can talk about them as aspects. The reality is they're happening at once.

With you standing as Christ in a relationship with your Bride, you have a divinely declared intent to see your Bride sanctified and set apart as spiritually holy and blameless for Him until He comes for her. With you standing as Christ in the unique relationship with your bride, you have a heart sold full out by Christ's life within you to see to it that your bride is washed and is sanctified through the Word of God. That that's a passion. The next slide down there that he might present to himself the church. in all her glory. Your opportunity, husband, is only for time, but your bride's relationship to Christ is eternal. Ultimately, it will be a Nancy presented to Christ.

That I'm a husband for whatever time the Lord has us together. It's that day when she stands before the Lord. How's that day going to be? That's what all the other days count for. How are we doing? Good. You blowing out of your chair yet, guys? No, I'm kind of feeling bad here. It is something, isn't it? It's a daunting task, but we'll get to your part. I know, I keep thinking we'll get to the one.

In all her glory, she is changed from glory to glory by beholding Him. In all her glory, that's the church. How does she get changed from glory to glory? Transformed? By beholding Him. That's my job. What does from glory to glory mean? From one level to the next. To put more words to it, from one level of glory to the next level of glory. That makes sense. That's the focal point.

Just talking to her about stuff, even giving her Bible stories by itself, the point is her beholding the Lord. Because in that she is growing from glory to glory. It's all her glory that she has been growing from day to day. That's the way she is to be presented to the Lord.

That needs to be my focus. Page four. Having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but she would be holy and blameless. This is about the bride's spiritual stance before the Lord and is explaining her glory. When you say, all her glory, that's it. And of course, he puts it in figurative terms that are physical. This isn't to say, boy, keep her on the plastic surgery chain. This is talking about her spiritual growth.

And notice that in Ephesians 1.4, that we would be holy and blameless before him.

Ephesians 5.27, that he might present to himself that she would be holy and blameless. It's the same issues. So the very beginning of Ephesians where it's talking about blessed with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places, it's the same words. These are the issues that Christ is concerned with. And so I then see my place. I can't change the fact that she is saved or not saved. That's a done deal. And the Lord is responsible for ultimately conforming her to the image of Jesus Christ. Ultimately transforming her with a new body. I can't impact that.

But it's the growth between those times. area of focus and for the husband it ought to be an aspect of passion. It ought to be something that he looks to his wife and that's important. And does she know it? Does the wife know that the husband is passionately concerned for her spiritual growth? That's a key thing. It's a tough thing to do.

In Colossians 1, which is kind of a parallel passage there, similar, in order to present you before him holy and blameless, he wrote to the Church of Colossae a similar theme. 2 Corinthians 11, 2, For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy, for I betrothed you to one husband, so that to Christ I may present you as a pure virgin, holy and blameless. That's the equal to holy and blameless, the pure virgin.

Speaking as their spiritual father, expressing concern. The idea is that Paul, even of the church at Corinth, was looking at, he says, I want you to be growing in the Lord. I want you to be growing from glory to glory, which is why exactly that book there refers to that. I want you to be growing in the Lord so that come the day when the Lord calls you home, that you're ready.

Here's the other thing that comes out of the Colossians passage. Colossians is really brief on this, whereas Ephesians is big. Look at this. Colossians 3.18 and 19. Wives, be subject to your own husbands as fitting in the Lord. That's brief. Husbands, love your wives. That's brief. Here's a different thing.

Do not be embittered against them. This embittered there, it's made toxically bitter as in wormwood or absinthium. The same words used in Revelation 8-11 where the toxic water, one-third of the fresh water on earth, kills many people. Bitterness against one's wife is a spiritual toxin which is not from the life of Christ as in and expressed through the husband.

The husband is to be pursuing her spiritual growth, and that's the end. The husband is not to get caught up in some basic emotional and spiritual waste that puts him in a cycle of bitterness. Ultimately, the husband is making a choice. He puts it positively in the Ephesians passage. Here he puts it in the negative. Don't be embittered. Don't get caught up there. This is where it needs to go. Love them. Paul doesn't dwell on negatives very often.

Especially you notice in this Ephesians 5 passage it just doesn't even go there. But here quickly with the Colossians and I suspect that there was some reason for making a different direction. But the embitterment thing was an issue he had to bring up with that church. And it's an important point for husbands to look at in parallel with the Ephesians passage we've been looking at. that embitterment. Let's back up a minute. What does this embitterment mean?

I mean, we know what it means physically. You put it in your mouth and... You know, you don't like some bitter herb ice cream. Right? But what does it mean in spiritual and emotional terms? What's going on? Let's think about that a minute. Don't be embittered against him. What is he warning against? What happens in the husband's mind and heart? Because notice he doesn't say, you know, gee, if you end up there, that's too bad. Right. He says, don't go there. So there is some kind of a choice to be made.

If she's not submissive and he's focused on that, that she's not responding to supposedly what he's doing, then he might be bitter about it. She's not submissive. Her interactions or lack of reaction or response. Well, bitterness comes out of unforgiveness. That's interesting. Bitterness comes out of unforgiveness. Well, I kind of read ahead a little, but it did make sense that, you know, like when you hold a grudge or you're bitter or resentful, you're totally, you're not keeping your eyes on the Lord, you are totally focused on the flesh and, you know, this kind of martyr or victim attitude and you can't be focused on both, you know, so it can really fester.

Okay. It's expectant love. The husband is told to love unconditionally. That's the word he used there. He says, Husband's love, that's it. Love her unconditionally. And the opposite. Don't be embittered. If the husband shifts gears and begins to love her with an if, Bitterness is really easy at that point. It's easy. And there's plenty to get bitter about.

But you know what? That's not what we're called for as husbands. Well, how do you know? I mean, obviously this is probably a dumb question, but I'm kind of feeling bad for Gary. How do you... Do you have to stay focused on the Lord? Ultimately, this love is from the Lord. This love comes out of the relationship with the Lord. So that's where it's got to be. He says, you need to have this unconditional love that's from the Lord.

That's what needs to get expressed to it. He, for some reason, felt it important to express the negative side of this thing to the believers of Colossae. Because there is the prospect of this thing turning around and the bitterness starting to set in. And the bitterness is expecting love.

It is love that says, I will love you. And guess what? She's going to fall short. She's not going to measure up. And all of a sudden the bitterness machine starts cranking. And so guess what? Once it shifts into that kind of love, where does it stop? You know, what happens is either the relationship stays together, the bitterness tends to keep building up, and it kind of ebbs and flows, but it's still there. Or, you know, in the ultimate, it can tear the relationship apart. But he just says, don't even go there. And really, if the husband is being bitter, the wife becomes bitter too.

Ah, this is interesting. You just hit on something. Where is love initiated in a relationship? God. Where is bitterness initiated in a relationship? Husband. And who did he warn? Did he warn the wives about the bitterness? Keep things here. The husband is the love initiator, the unconditional love initiator in the relationship. He is also, the flip side, the bitterness initiator in the relationship. If there's bitterness in the relationship, he's initiated it. Because if he is walking with the Lord, and if his wife expresses something that is bitter or resentful, his passion, as you put it, should be to take her spiritually out of that. And if he's not doing that, then he's propagating it.

I'm not saying that the wife doesn't have any responsibility in this either. That's not my point. But the point being, if you go back to where does the love initiate, if it's unconditional love that's being initiated, that the biblical principle is that she will respond. That's why it doesn't even bother commanding the wife to love the husband. She'll respond to his love. If that love is conditional, her natural response will be to respond with that conditional love. If he's communicating an, I'll love you if, then she's going to say, well, I'll love you if, too. And the bitterness is easily propagated. Right? Make sense? So let's read through the, expand and explain.

Husbands, you must have logical conclusion based on your position in Christ and the relationship between Christ and the Church as the model for your relationship with your wife.

You must love your own wives unconditionally in the same way that Christ also unconditionally loved the Church, which is now His betrothed and voluntarily gave Himself up for her as the payment of the bride price for her. So the husband lives with a recognition of the immense value of the bride worth an unfathomable bride price. with the intent that he might sanctify her, setting her apart for his intended and holy purpose, having cleansed her morally and spiritually to be his bride by the significant washing of water of the spoken word, such that she is fit for presentation to the Lord of Glory as his holy bride. So the husband has constantly before him the sanctification, the spiritual growth, and daily walk of his bride. that she would behold the Lord in his word, that the husband would speak to her of her sanctification in the Lord, that Christ, upon coming to get his bride, might present to himself the church, consisting of all the saints, including your own bride, while she and you were on the earth together, in all her glory. Having been chained from glory to glory through the written word, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless, having been prepared for the eternal marriage of the Lamb, the Lord of glory, the husband is focused intently upon nurturing his bride's occupation with Christ. That's a lot said, and we will get to the wife, I promise, unless the Lord comes.

Thoughts? This has been some pretty intense stuff here, and pretty deeply impacting. One of the things that I think is real important to work on, and it becomes a part of the material discussion between husband and wife. is to take these things and as a husband and wife, as a couple, to chew on those together so that there is a, how do we work this into us? And that's where, okay, here's the truth. Here's the truth of scripture. What does that look like to you and me? You know, gee, I can't do a a word dump on Nancy for two hours. She gets this glassed over look that somehow isn't getting there.

But thinking through how that looks and talking through how that looks and here's the side we'll get to when we get to 1 Peter 3.7. The wife has a huge responsibility in feeding back to the husband on these things. Because that's how he is going to know, is this getting there?

She has a huge responsibility in letting him know, as we'll see in 1 Peter 3.7, he's to live with her in an understanding way. How is he going to understand if she doesn't communicate? So a big thing on her part in this, to feed back to him, this is how it looks through my eyes. A big responsibility. So as we go away from here, I put a lot that looks like it's heavy on the husband's part.

We'll get into this and talk about it in some depth here, but let's not lose sight of the fact that ultimately this is where we're aiming with this. The husband and wife need to be able to talk about what this looks like and to get feedback so that the husband She knows that I love her unconditionally and that she has given him that feedback that lets him know that this is conveying it. No matter what happens, even if he makes a decision that's one that isn't her first choice, she still knows he loves me unconditionally. He still is looking out for my spiritual welfare, and I feel safe, the woman is thinking, because I know he is walking with the Lord. That's good stuff. So anyway, it isn't enough for us to just talk about here. We've all got things to talk about, and so do we. Because Nancy and I, we have to do these same things too. And life is dynamic enough that it keeps changing.

Yeah, I was just going to say, sometimes what you've Your idea of what love looks like to you might change if you're having kids or maybe for no reason at all. Or kids aren't home anymore. Here's our kids and they're all in diapers. What does love look like then? Now we're at a spot where all three of our kids are out and married and we've got four grandkids and one on the way. What does love look like then?

And so, yeah, it's changed radically. And the same principles apply, but the reason you've got to keep talking about it and talking about it at depth is the same principles apply, but life keeps changing. Life keeps changing. And so what this means is dynamic enough that you have to keep communicating about it. Make sense? Cool? Questions? Wonderings? I was just thinking about the embittered part.

If anyone has the right to be embittered, I know it's not God's character, but think of us as unfaithful, deserving of death, not deserving of His grace. So you're saying God would have the right to be embittered? Oh yeah, in human terms. Good point. If Christ were to say, is there a good reason to be embittered against those people, there would be plenty. But instead, there's this unfathomable love. And, you know, bless them all. I'll bless them so much it'll take eternity to show them all, and I'll do it at my own expense. Yeah, that kind of love.

Okay? Oh, I was just thinking. And this doesn't apply to Gary and myself, but I have a lot of friends who, you know, the wife is kind of further along in her spiritual walk than the husband. And I'm just thinking, how do you... I mean, like if you had to counsel someone who was in that situation. And we do. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure it's very common.

A lot of times the wife's a believer and the husband's not even a believer. We're going to get into that in 1 Peter 3. 1 Peter 3, because one of the things we point out Ephesians 5 talks mostly about the husband, a little bit about the wife. 1 Peter 3 flips the tables, six verses on the wife, one verse on the husband. So it turns the tables the other way, including the first couple of verses talking about the husband who doesn't believe. That was in a culture where not believing spiritually like the husband was automatically looked at as an outrageous insurrection.

How do you deal with that? That is quite common. It's not God's design, but it's quite common. That's a bridge we're going to have to cross. I think since I've come here, I've just begun in learning growth truths. And it seems there's a sort of Christ applying the cross and just kind of writhing and just, I guess, testing. a breaking of the old nature. What about something like that? You're going through this adjusting to Christ. Wherever we are at in the growth process, it is still a growth process by God's intent.

And we as husbands still have a responsibility to lead the wife. And there may be some difficult times along the route of different kinds. But it's important to recognize that The Lord doesn't have, okay, I've got a five year time out from spiritual growth. That's not the way the Lord works. Ultimately, that responsibility to lead the wife is still there at all times.

The only thing a husband can do is keep going back to the Lord. Where else am I going to find the resources for unconditional love? I've got to go back to the Lord. I just think it's a process of realizing that you can't rely on yourself. You have to trust in God.

And it just seems like, okay, do I leave my wife in that? You know, how do you... I know Christ does it, but... Do you know what I'm getting at? You mean like the blind leading the blind? Like you feel like... No, just that I think it's a painful process of... I know.

Let's take some passages we've looked at here, or we could easily point to, 2 Corinthians 3.18.

We're beholding the Lord through His Word. The husband can take the wife through that at wherever place both of them are at. There may be a matter of saying, where should that be at some time versus another? And so that's a matter of, you know, do I listen to and communicate enough with my wife to know where she's at, to know what she needs? And so that's part one.

The other thing is you always know the direction of growth. It's 1 Peter 3, 18. 2 Peter 3, 18. You know, grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. That's where growth is. So you always know where to take her. That's always going to be the direction.

So it's only a question of what does she need at this point in time. It's one of the reasons why the front page has what spiritual growth looks like. There are stages of spiritual growth and there are passages that fit the stage of spiritual growth. And the question is, where is she? Where is she in there? Is she ready for milk or is she ready for meat?

Are you saying that, I'm not sure I completely understand, but at some point in our growth process, the Lord applies the cross to herself. And that's absolutely kind of painful. And my guess is the Lord isn't calling on us as husbands to fly the cross to our wives. That's right. I mean, is that what you're saying? But they have to go through that with you. Oh, in other words, when the Lord is applying it to your life, your wife has to walk through that fire with you. Yeah, in a way, because you're going through it. It's true. That is true. It's an adjustment of the self-life.

And you know, we can look at In our marriage, there have been a few times where the Lord has had to bring in a major health crisis for Vern to kind of grab his attention. When we were 28, he had an angina attack. We have two kids. Went into the ER. Thought he was having a heart attack. It was a little scary. It's kind of a precursor to a heart attack.

What had happened is I had a job and I guess another engineer had given notice he was leaving and I said, well who's going to take his work? And he said, you are. So I tried to keep up with it, you know. He was getting about two hours of sleep. Yeah, and so one morning, you know, I said, gee, I feel like an elephant sitting on my chest, you know.

So anyway, I went into the ER. The doctor said, well Vern, you're healthy, but if you keep doing this you won't be. And the thing that I realized at that time is I can't put my trust in Vern. Certainly he is to be trustworthy and I need to be able to trust him, but my ultimate confidence has to be in the Lord. But it was hard. It was hard.

And then, a decade later, You came down with Lyme disease? We didn't know what it was. His brother had just died of cancer. We didn't know if he had cancer. We were trying to get a diagnosis. It took months. It took six months? Eight months? No, not that long, but still months. He could work a few hours a day, not an eight-hour day, certainly.

And again, I had to realize, you know, my husband is trustworthy, but I can't put my ultimate trust in him. My trust has to be in the Lord. If he's got cancer or if he's got MS, which were our first two thoughts, He's not going to be able to support us.

I'm going to have to get a job. We've got a house payment and three kids. We have to walk through that with you. We have to be confident that you're going to walk with the Lord. But our confidence, our ultimate confidence, has to be in the Lord, not in you. And that's ultimately what the husband is to encourage.

I would get to a place where, I mean, sometimes I can hardly talk. Just between the energy and just the Lyme disease, it's like little snippers coming randomly and cutting nerves. Did you ever forget my name? No, but there were people who would walk into the office that I worked with for five years. I could recognize their face. I couldn't remember their name. I'd be trying to work on the keyboard and all of a sudden my hand would just lock up. Wait a minute, I'm supposed to be Superman. And all of a sudden have things like that happen.

And so if you're going through a trial, guess what? She's going with you. And that's where ultimately, whether I'm in the trial or between them, I'm pointing to the Lord. And I'm pointing her to the Lord. So in the midst of that, she's growing through my trial. Because it's a trial for her too.

You know, I think with Christianity, a lot of it is mental, if you will. It's not... We don't do. You know, it's not about works. It's about faith. And so, it's knowing what the facts are about who Jesus Christ is. About who He is as God. Who He is as our Savior. Knowing that our confidence can be in him, we can put our ultimate trust in him, so that then what we do is the outgrowth of what we know, not what we know is the outgrowth of what we do. Does that help? Yeah. She will go through the trials with you and the hope and intent and certainly the husband's encouragement says she also grows through them.

You know, we have friends in Nevada who, they've always said, it's like bicycle pedals. When she's down, he's up. When he's down, she should be able to help pull him up. And obviously, bicycle pedals are not a terrific example because you're hopefully not pulling up and down all the time. When one is down, the other one can be helping to bring them up.

Okay. Let's pray. Lord, thank you. As we look at these things here, marvelous truths, and yet we need your Holy Spirit's working in our hearts and in our minds to bring us to a practical and real and living understanding of these vital truths. So we pray for that working in our hearts even now, even today. In Jesus' name, amen.